Commedia dell Farte

Look, I know you moms must go through this sort of thing.  I haven’t raised any children in the ordinary sense of the term.  I did take care of a number of adults who couldn’t voluntarily control their process of elimination.  When I did that, I became sensitized to smelling it outside their clothes, so I would know when they needed changing.  Those who produce the substances are sometimes oblivious to it.  I had not expected that to be true of our new puppy.

Maybe it’s that she’s enthusiastic and still a bit clumsy.  She’s barely 12 weeks old.  For the first time since we got her, Spice slept soundly for seven hours straight, at the end of which she had to go.  When we went out, she pooed, then peed, then pooed again.  When she produced product 2 for the second time, she was so happy about it she stepped in it with her back paw, then charged for the door to go back in.  I wouldn’t have gone in, but I only had one bag and I had already used it and threw it in the garbage, so I needed cleanup supplies.  As soon as we got inside, GAD, I could smell it.  At least I think I did.

Time out for explanation.  I’m unnaturally scared of the stuff.  I had a horrible encounter as a child including unanticipated stepping upon, slipping upon, maggots etc.  You don’t want to know.  Anyway, it’s part of why I went into health care.  I know how filthy the world is. GAAH! brrrr. (I’m trembling.)

So, we’re back inside.  Spice is happy as a clam, bouncing around, feeling good and Daddy’s still sleepy and trying to gather cleaning supplies while holding a leash.  The noise wakes up the missus and she begins asking questions about what happened.  Nobody can ask questions like a journalist.  And I sometimes express myself by saying what’s going on in this millisecond instead of answering the specific question she asks, which she calls “burying the lead”.  So I’m trying to explain, but I’m also frantic, and trying to concentrate on paw cleaning, and sniffing for clearance, and I can’t tell at this point if the phantom poo smell is real or a flashback from my experiences.  Mary and Spice have gone back to nap before sunrise.

Some people have their attention focused on the Republican primaries, or that other “elimination” story in Afghanistan.  Not me.


Filed under humor

23 responses to “Commedia dell Farte

  1. Cats are so much more well bred.

  2. The joys of parenthood! 🙂

  3. My two Great Danes not only leave huge mounds of poo in my garden but, they literally fumigate me out of my own living room every evening after they have been fed. I often wonder what they put in to their specifically formulated, quite expensive dog food to allow such vile gases to escape sometimes quite noisily into the atmosphere.

    I still wouldn’t swap them for anything on the planet. I love my dogs, stench and all.

    Loving your updates on Spice – keep them coming.

    • You moms. You’re so tough. I admire that 🙂 We used to have a pair of Danes living next door when I was a kid. They can be awfully sweet and docile. You should post pictures of yours in your gallery!

  4. I have to chuckle. I got way too familiar with the three P’s – pee, poop, and puke, when my sons were babies! This is your indoctrination into the P world!

  5. Ha! I love it. Plus, your puppy is amazingly cute. 😀

    My sister once had the unfortunate displeasure of putting her hand in a slug when she was about 4. I once had a worm thrown down my top and now I run away screaming whenever I see them. Accursed childhood experiences! Although I think the P-word is probably something logical to want to run away from!

  6. With a new baby in the house, plus an almost 14 year old dog who has regressed to the puppy stage of stepping in it, I hear you!

  7. From the post’s title I thought you might be blogging about Joseph Pujol.

    Spice is very cute though. Not the world’s biggest dog person (only became a cat person a few years back when a neighborhood cat adopted me) but always loved labs. Far too lazy to own one though, couldn’t give them all their attention and physical exercise they need.

    • Already wrote about Pujol, heh heh. I tend toward laziness also, but the mission (proper training routines) keeps me taking her out for walks and all that. Labs are the world’s most popular breed for a reason. They are SO people-oriented. Thanks, Anthony.

  8. I’ll have to check out the Pujol blog. Have you ever seen the Leonard Rossetier short film about him? It’s written by Galton and Simpson my all-time favorite sitcom writers.

  9. Holdig by doze I edjoyed this very buch.
    I had a primal fear of poo, too, when I was a kid. We all did on my street. Since we don’t have poisonous snakes or spiders or anything like that in Seattle, the ONLY thing that kept us from completely being able to run and flop and roll around on any lawn with gay abandon was the possibility that that green and inviting expanse might have previously proved inviting to the neighborhood cur. Spotting a poo event propelled us into the highest degree of alertness and agitation; we would have been less careful around land-mines.

  10. I thought that when baby #5 got out of diapers, this particular bouquet would be gone from our house forever. Silly me, I forgot we have boys, who delight in making a stink as big, as often, and in the company of as many family members as possible. Boys and flatulence just go together.

    You’re not imagining the after smell. It’s there, even after the diaper is changed (or the paws are cleaned.) Around here we call that phenomenon, “The Residuals.”

  11. Hello, I think your site might be having browser compatibility issues. When I look at your blog in Ie, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, fantastic blog!

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