It’s The End!

People keep reminding me the world is set to end this Saturday.  I love apocalyptic stories.  In my mind they merge with all those bad movies I grew up on in the ‘50s, the ones where radiation transforms things into giant, angry whatevers.

I should clarify that Saturday’s big event is not THE end.  It’s sposed to be (what, again?) the Rapture.  That’s the beginning of the Second Coming of Jesus show, where the saved get zooped up into heaven, right out of their clothes, thus avoiding the teddible happedigs soon to follow, when gawd shall enfry the planet, making crispy critters of those who were too unwise to have listened UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE!  (Oh, my aching left behind.)

“Knock, knock.”  “Who’s there?”  “Jesus.”  “Jesus who?” “Jesus, will you open up already?  It’s cold out here!”

I get it.  It’s fun to be scared.  You get a big rush of adrenaline when you are scared, and it makes you feel alive.  People aren’t as easy to scare as they used to be.  It takes a bigger monster.  Monsters, evil spirits and the end of everything are perennial faves.  In fact, anything you can’t see is kind of scary.  Have you ever been afraid of the dark?  If so, don’t listen to this.  It scared me a lot when I was 12.  (Rated PG-13, for scariness):

I’m not going to do anything different than what I had already planned. The Grand Parade of the Annual Rhododendron Festival will be taking place downtown at 1pm.  The Rhody Festival Queen is a King this year.  Emma King is her name.  I’ll be on-call to take pictures of people’s bones until 4pm.  At 7:30pm, I’ll be sitting 10th row center, watching my favorite musician, Leo Kottke.  All the signs and omens are fortuitous.  Leo’s birthday happens to be 9/11, the day “everything changed”.  As far as I’m concerned it changed because he was born, grew up to be the world’s finest acoustic guitarist, and because he’s playing in my own little town just in time for the Rapture.  If he and I float away to hebben, it will be a perfect exit.  If he and I remain, I still get to see the concert.  If he goes and I don’t I will be irritated for a moment, but Fort Worden park where he’s playing will still be lovely and I will go outside and enjoy it.


Filed under humor

39 responses to “It’s The End!

  1. jgavinallan

    Definitely the end of the world. I found the perfect shoes for a friends wedding.
    Naturally, if it ends tomorrow—I’ll never get to wear them.


  2. I’m thinking there are prbably many homeless unbelievers who are looking to TEOTWAWKI as my there will be many homes left behnid by true believers when the are lifted. Not to wory about all those pets left behind ther’s a plan for them too. The website, found at, supposedly employs the services of 44 atheists in 26 states. Those interested can enter into a 10-year contract that guarantees their pets will be taken care of after their ascension. Ensuring your pets aren’t left defenseless comes at a cost, however. Eternal Earthbound Pets charges a $135 fee for the first animal and $20 for each additional pet.

    • What a good idea, and so compassionate toward the pets! I want to know which states they could not find any atheists in, though. I need to know where to avoid when planning vacations. (Thanks so much for gracing us with your presence TT. I hope your foot is healing well.)

  3. I can guarantee you that I am probably not gonna get zooped up into heaven…and that is OK by me. I think that all of us that are left behind should have a big party? Could be fun!

    Have a great day tomorrow. Sounds like a good one. It is business as usual here too. If anything out of the ordinary happens, weeeeeee!

    • With people like you around, Debbie, every day is worth celebrating. This Rhododendron Festival that began Wednesday has already been satisfyingly silly. I just got back from watching the Bed Races downtown. I’ll put up some pictures later tonight or tomorrow.

  4. Well, given the 21st is well nigh over here and it has been anything but a day of doom and gloom, I’m assuming all is well. Of course, I could find the place deserted before midnight I guess….. but I’m thinking not. I feel sorry for the poor people who were banking on this to get them out of work on Monday. Wonder if the true believers have spent all their money in readiness for the departure? I gather the fare skyward doesn’t cost earthly dollars, rands, pounds, lire, francs or whatever earthly currency is one’s poison!

    They have been reporting the pet thing TT mentioned, in the papers here too. They charge – what is it, $10, for a second pet from the same home. Cheap at half the price! Too many athiests here to make it a worthwhile venture, I believe!

    • Too bad. I love suspension of disbelief. It’s unfortunate that this Last Days storyline is so unsustainable. The storytellers just aren’t up to the task. I believed it when I saw all the big bug movies as a kid!

  5. First off, Leo Kottke is fantastic and I can’t believe I’ve never heard of him before.
    Second, enjoy your rhododendrons and your concert, but be on the lookout for giant crickets, please. I sure would hate to hear you got eaten by a giant insect.

  6. I have faith but the Bible does say “none shall know the day not the hour…”
    …so I’m wondering why so many people appear to have skipped over that bit.

    In theory any of us could die at any moment, brain aneurysm, heart failure, or go in weeks though cancer, or just be unlucky in a natural disaster or traffic accident.
    We should live our lives like it counts right now and treat people around us accordingly … then what does it matter the day we “go”?

    • Everyone seems to have also skipped the parts about never wearing two kinds of cloth at the same time (abomination!) and killing teenagers when they give you attitude. And I learned very well at the Dementia Care facility that it’s always the last day for someone, somewhere. I try to wish them all bon voyage.

      (You guys are still invited, by the way, unless we get crisped. Mary has even learned a few recipes!)

  7. Poor doc: an unfortunate combination of curiosity and a fat friend.

    The same man who’s predicting the end-times today also did so in 1994. I couldn’t find any stories that showed if he was right back then or not. ; p

    • oooo – LOVE quotes from that genre. You’re so literate!

      There were many times even earlier, during the disco era, when someone’s radio or stereo would be playing and I would shout, “LAWD! Take me NOW! I’ve heard enough!”

  8. That Jesus pic with the knock knock joke is freakin’ hysterical. Very cool post!

    • Thank you. Since you mentioned it, I’ll tell you that the “Attack of the 50ft Jesus at the U.N.” is called “Prince of Peace”. It was painted in 1961 by Harry Anderson, a Seventh Day Adventist commercial artist whose odd taste imagined Jesus in all kinds of situations. His first one shows Jesus with an inquisitive child and is entitled “What Happened to Your Hand?”

  9. I think it’s great the your favourite musician is headline The Rapture! If it does happen, at least you can get right to the front if all the ‘believers’ are whisked off to heaven early.

  10. The ascension of the true believers will definitely get you a front seat for the Leo Kottke gig 😉

    Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

  11. Morning all! Funnily enough, Im still here! 😀

    Can still hear traffic out there too and the internet still seems to be functioning, so I’m guessing I’ll just have to go to work tomorrow!

  12. midaevalmaiden

    Well I supposse listening to some butt kicking finger picking is a good way to go out with a bang, should the world end tomorrow. Leo Kottke has quite a backstory, I had not heard of him before.
    You know the ‘foot pedal instrument’ that Rush used in their famous song? About 6 months ago I had someone blast one in my ear. I had ear pain for a long time and was so worried it would damage my singing voice (if my hearing went off) So reading Leos Wikki page gives me all the more appreciation for his skill. Enjoy yourself tomorrow.

    • That Rush pedal guitar is an odd duck all right. I’m happy you avoided eardrum damage, Sara. I just got back from the concert. It was a fairly contemplative performance, with more 6-string than 12, and Leo seemed happy with his playing and the audience’s reaction. The venue seats 1,000 and it was sold out. It’s the biggest hall in town. Next month I have tickets for the Seattle Symphony at the same place. I must be in the right town. Everyone I like comes here!

  13. Deborah

    Any clues as to Camping’s intent?

    • In a word – publicity. That, plus he’s 89, so there’s a 1 in 10 chance of dementia. His sentences are cogent, so I suspect it’s the former. It’s his line of logic that’s deranged.

  14. Deborah

    I feel guilty now for making you come up with a sensible reply to my silly comment.

    I may just canvass a few more opinions about his intent though…

    *Running away so you can’t flick my ear*

  15. My best friend Jeff and I rode our bikes to the top of a hill in our town on the evening of 7/7/’77, because we were sure that was the day and we were going to meet our returning King in the sky. We were going to be front row, as it were. After we’d sat there for an hour and it got cold and the dark enveloped us, we got up, rode our separate ways to our houses, and never spoke about it to each other after that. I kind of miss believing in something with such ferocious certainty. Living in suspension is more rewarding in lots of ways, but harder, too.

    • I have come to believe in pursuing actions of futile positivity, and in doing more things “just because”. These things create miraculous after-effects, not the least of which are perceptual shifts, and a lowering of my defenses. Doing things like that bike ride opens your mind to new possibilities. Life’s richer when it’s mysterious. I like all the not-knowingness! Thanks. Matt.

  16. I think the Jesus at the UN scene should have been painted one or two seconds later, after the woman crossing the street looked up and started pinwheeling and digging for tall cotton.

    • He should have put in some Japanese tourists with cameras, to point upward with looks of terror.

      • Or a Japanese corporal in a Jeep with binoculars saying “Look! He’s drawing energy from the high voltage electrical wires!” but I guess that would have been hard to explain in a painting of Manhattan, and the effect of “unconvincing dubbing” might not translate well into oils.

  17. Kindly don’t tell everyone, but I started feeling panicky and cry babyish when I heard there was a small quake in Australia that day. Yes indeed, I am that stupid! STUPID. I knew the Camping fellow was nuts but some fun with childhood fears started whipping up (remember I though I had gone through the rapture in 85, but it turned out to be a forest fire down the road).
    I’m sure one of these days I’ll write something about how I went all nutso for a few minutes that day

    • The positive aspect of this sort of behavior is to remember that people of all ages enjoy getting scared. It gives you that fun, adrenaline rush, and you don’t have to actually be in any serious real danger to get it. You might try screaming, just as practice, to release some of the energy? Or run around in circles, waving your arms (a la Chicken Little)?

  18. Deb

    Almost too many favorites to absorb. Have always loved the giant Jesus visiting the skyscraper.
    “” Will this wind” still reduces me to mega silly laughter,
    and best of all, listening to Leo Kottke is often like mainlining joy.
    Bless you for combining them all.

  19. It’s easy. The silly and the sublime coexist in my brain, and sometimes occupy bunk-beds. I’m glad you enjoyed the view, Deb.

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