Have a Nice B.M.

The Bristol Stool Scale

Today’s focus is on B.M.  Did you know there’s a scientific chart for that?  It was developed in the 1990s during studies at the University of Bristol.  Types 3 and 4 are the good ones. We examine and record B.M.s at the dementia care facility, characterizing them by amount and type.  They are a basic indicator of health status, and we do this because the people providing the samples aren’t up to talking about it.  One of our more active pixies left a trail of “cookies” down the hall.  That’s how we found where she was.  Where her pants went, we haven’t discovered yet.  Life is full of mystery.

In a way, my past five years have been focused on a spiritual version of colon cleansing.  I had a lot of old sheets to get rid of.  I was cosmically clogged, like that system of asphalt intestines I drove each day, the L.A. Freeways.  My wife and I had to let go and really push it out, and we are just about to perform, at long last, the B.M. – the BIG MOVE!

The microcosm of this important metaphor happens in every human body.  The small intestines extract nutrients.  Most digestion occurs there.  Our lives have been passing through the many feet of spiritual small intestines, adding juices to break it all down and understand what’s happened to us, and what we want to do next.  Finally everything that remains undigested passes into the large intestine or COLON, which is shorter.  The large intestine is more of a holding tube with drainage ports.  Its main functions are to reclaim fluid, leave what you don’t need and pack it together.  If you are healthy, what you don’t need gets pushed out on a regular basis.  You get back your water, the essence of life.

Despite the shitzu I’ve been trying to house-train, my wife’s had it worse.  She’s been dealing with the main packing, selling off items, and supervising repair, paint and upgrade crews, all on top of working full-time while concurrently enduring the effects of injuries she suffered in a fall a couple of years ago.  I’m working full-time now.  She arrives for a four-day visit tomorrow, and we expect to decide on a house to buy here.  She will return to CA after, to conclude her severance negotiations.  Once all the waste gets pushed out, she can sigh, flush, wash her hands and retire up here.

Our house in CA hits the market “officially” by mid-May.  We reverently appeased the gods of HGTV, so people have been driving by during painting and brokers have been calling her.  A bidding competition is fairly likely to occur because the house is 1.2 miles from the ocean and has the extras people want.  The upgrade process in preparation for selling was a definite stinky load to me, but now it looks as if we will reclaim a lot of water.

Speaking of reclamation, my wife and I have some catching-up to do.  Forgive me if I don’t post much for the next few days.  Before this we had never been apart for more than a three-day weekend in 16 years, and I haven’t seen her for 10 weeks.  In the meantime, I wish you all a real good B.M. with a decent amount of floating and not too much stink.  May it lighten you and free you of what you don’t need, and may you get your water back.

Healthy Feces cartoons courtesy of CuteCute.us:



Filed under humor, symbolism

30 responses to “Have a Nice B.M.

  1. Oh my! Only you could make the most nasty thing in the world into a thoughtful, philosophical spiritual cleanse.

    (My ‘friend’ of the 1000.00 joke made me take down my post about it; if I hadn’t he’d ruin my eBay. I may repost it someday.)

    • Thanks, Lisa. I read your latest updates. No one who tries to pressure you into things against your will is a friend. You deserve a network of support, as do we all.

      • Thanks Mike! shortly after what I wrote here, I got back my nerve though I am awaiting what he will do to me.

        I hope you and your wife have a great time together!
        Take care and God bless,

        • If you think he will do anything to threaten you, call the police, Lisa. I’m serious. If it’s just about tarnishing your eBay reputation, then it’s time to realize that a trade community is not a circle of friends either. You are a smart woman. Don’t let “virtual” activities run too much of your life. You deserve face-to-face reality.

  2. Yep, We all need a good cleanout on a regular basis don’t we? Be that Spiritual, mental or physical, a decent deep clean means that we are less constipated about Life, less stuck in our ways, less verbal diarrhea and hopefully most relieved afterwards for the experience.
    However, purging the system isn’t easy, we can be quite attached to our habits and routines and like dietary habits, not all of these habits are the healthy option.
    It can be a bitter medicine to have to swallow the fact that we should take a daily dose of spiritual, mental or emotional Fibre, and to eliminate the stuff that we really don’t need.
    I think that bad habits can also be like Pixie’s calling cards… they stink after a while and are messy to clean up so fixing them at source might be the harder option but better in the long run.
    You are now under Orders to reclaim as many wonderful moments with your Darling Wife as possible whilst she visits, you both deserve an excellent time.
    We will be like the bad smell (or sweet water, take your pick!) that’s still here when you return LOL, and you will be rejuvenated and reclaim your water.
    btw, I can’t think of a MORE appropriate Breed of dog to be house-training, but I suppose that when it’s not going so well and there is a puddle in the house you can just say ¨Shitzu Happens” eh? Have FUN !!! 🙂

    • Thank you Kiwi. I like sharing the enjoyment of the metaphors with you. As a “parent” who never raised a child, I haven’t had the experience in managing the WORLD o’ MYSTERIOUS SUBSTANCES they are capable of producing. I have a new admiration for that skill, and it’s usually mothers who have it.

  3. Being mindful of what comes out of my body is the story of my life.

    Enjoy your time with your wife. I’ll be thinking of you.

  4. I’m a better man for learning that what comes out of EITHER end of a person is worth paying proper attention to. I expect you’ve had a better balance of skill at it from Chad’s initial period of changing. *INSIGHT* Oh, you’ve done it again, Tracy. The symbolism of “changing, and being changed”. It’s so much fun knowing you moms.

  5. Having avoided the blogosphere for a few days, imagine my attraction to your latest post…doesn’t it just happen to be my favorite yet. Where were you and your philosophical analogies when I was ready for my own BM? Life would have been so much easier if I could have just told everyone that I simply needed a more comfortable toilet.
    I remember the nervousness and excitement of seeing my husband again, and I remember the pain of watching him leave after every visit. We scrambled to fit what felt like a lifetime, into the few short days we had together. Even with daily phone contact while we were apart, we still felt the need to replay every story, every event when we were together. It was the physical aspect we were missing, the smirk, the facial animations, the body language. The physical was definitely the most fun to re-capture.

    For the record, I scored an 8. *GO* me.

    • I’ve had problems facing poo head-on all my life. It’s quite freeing to get my head out of my a– even at this late date.
      And you’re right. I couldn’t sleep, so here I am up at 5 writing comments a couple of hours before I head to the airport.

  6. Cat

    What a shitty post. 😀

  7. I wouldn’t let that one pass, except from you (xo).

  8. lianamerlo

    I’ll have to print this post out for the next time I use the potty.
    I saw your title and thought it must have been a pun on the abbreviation. Nope!

  9. some genuinely interesting information, well written and broadly user pleasant.

  10. really thanks i needed this

  11. I appear to be healthy!

  12. Pingback: The Best of Mikey (so far) | Invisible Mikey

  13. Now that posting revealed a lot of literary…and spiritual…talent! Or, perhaps a mind that is full of shit! But regardless, thanks. And thanks also for dropping by my blog today.

  14. This is good shit. Thanks for this wonderfully informative post, and its insights into the joys of a successful bowel movement–something no one should ever take for granted. And let’s be grateful together that we live in countries that feature flush toilets (something like a billion people on earth don’t)–sometimes even including bidets! Thank you also for liking my latest blog piece (of_________).

  15. I had forgotten about this “emphasis” in your life. Always glad to see you drop by as this morning on my political blog.

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