The Bristol Stool Scale
Today’s focus is on B.M. Did you know there’s a scientific chart for that? It was developed in the 1990s during studies at the University of Bristol. Types 3 and 4 are the good ones. We examine and record B.M.s at the dementia care facility, characterizing them by amount and type. They are a basic indicator of health status, and we do this because the people providing the samples aren’t up to talking about it. One of our more active pixies left a trail of “cookies” down the hall. That’s how we found where she was. Where her pants went, we haven’t discovered yet. Life is full of mystery.
In a way, my past five years have been focused on a spiritual version of colon cleansing. I had a lot of old sheets to get rid of. I was cosmically clogged, like that system of asphalt intestines I drove each day, the L.A. Freeways. My wife and I had to let go and really push it out, and we are just about to perform, at long last, the B.M. – the BIG MOVE!
The microcosm of this important metaphor happens in every human body. The small intestines extract nutrients. Most digestion occurs there. Our lives have been passing through the many feet of spiritual small intestines, adding juices to break it all down and understand what’s happened to us, and what we want to do next. Finally everything that remains undigested passes into the large intestine or COLON, which is shorter. The large intestine is more of a holding tube with drainage ports. Its main functions are to reclaim fluid, leave what you don’t need and pack it together. If you are healthy, what you don’t need gets pushed out on a regular basis. You get back your water, the essence of life.
Despite the shitzu I’ve been trying to house-train, my wife’s had it worse. She’s been dealing with the main packing, selling off items, and supervising repair, paint and upgrade crews, all on top of working full-time while concurrently enduring the effects of injuries she suffered in a fall a couple of years ago. I’m working full-time now. She arrives for a four-day visit tomorrow, and we expect to decide on a house to buy here. She will return to CA after, to conclude her severance negotiations. Once all the waste gets pushed out, she can sigh, flush, wash her hands and retire up here.
Our house in CA hits the market “officially” by mid-May. We reverently appeased the gods of HGTV, so people have been driving by during painting and brokers have been calling her. A bidding competition is fairly likely to occur because the house is 1.2 miles from the ocean and has the extras people want. The upgrade process in preparation for selling was a definite stinky load to me, but now it looks as if we will reclaim a lot of water.
Speaking of reclamation, my wife and I have some catching-up to do. Forgive me if I don’t post much for the next few days. Before this we had never been apart for more than a three-day weekend in 16 years, and I haven’t seen her for 10 weeks. In the meantime, I wish you all a real good B.M. with a decent amount of floating and not too much stink. May it lighten you and free you of what you don’t need, and may you get your water back.
Healthy Feces cartoons courtesy of CuteCute.us: