Interview with an Invisible
I enjoyed reading the self-interviews from Dragos Roua, TimeThief, Kymlee Murphy, and ShesBoxingClever, but the exercise is too direct for my taste. Being rebellious, I would rather revel than reveal. Even a resourceful re-write risks rebuffing readers not at all amused by alliteration, so I kept some questions, altered some and eliminated ones I didn’t find of enough interest, or that I considered repetitive. In the name of Good Housekeeping, here are the other interviews:
1. What Do You Do for a Living?
I apply for work, blog and spend my wife’s money. It’s a temp job.
2. Who Do You Love?
Everyone who amuses me, and I try to find something amusing in everyone.
3. Do You Have Enough Money?
Did you read question 1? (Who does this woman think she is?)
4. Are You Healthy?
My blood pressure went up with the last question.
6. How Old Are You?
I went to high school with your grandparents, but I went to college with your kids. NEXT!
7. Who’s Your Best Friend?
A ghost with 1,000 names. Every time I think I’ve caught up, poof, my friend is waving at me from just beyond the next hill.
8. What’s Your Childhood Dream?
How much time do you have? Among other things I wanted to fly, to meet Dracula, to lift up a car, to be able to run faster than a cheetah and to out-argue Socrates. I haven’t achieved any of them, though I have some hope of eventually getting to do the last one.
9. How Often Do You Laugh?
Bout 25 yuks per hour on average. My life is funny.
11. What’s Your Most Dangerous Enemy?
Ignerunce, ignatz, ignomance, …uh, SPELL-CHECK!
12. Where Do You Sleep?
Any couch that’ll have me.
13. Do You Think You’re Strong?
I can take you.
15. What Was The Most Stupid Thing You’ve Done So Far?
I agreed to do this interview for free.
16. Do You Love Yourself?
At least once a day. I alternate which hand I use.
17. What Do You Fear The Most?
Being injected with penicillin by ANOTHER nurse who forgot to check my chart for allergies to medication. (I got the big chest-needle like in “Pulp Fiction”.)
18. What Is Your Favorite Word?
This is G-rated space. I can’t say it here, but it starts with F. (Yes, really.)
19. When Was The Last Time You Cried?
I checked my bank balance yesterday.
20. What Is The Best Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?
GETTING HIRED! (Are you listening up there?)
21. What Is The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You Right Now?
Crashing the car on the way to accepting my new job.
23. Do You Regret Anything?
LOTS. If you have no regrets, then you’ve never admitted to making a mistake and I pity you. For example, I was a lousy parent, and it’s too late to fix it.
24. What’s The First Thing You Do In The Morning?
Normally a full bladder is what wakes me up. Do I really need to go on?
25. What Are You Thinking Just Before Going To Bed?
Some variation of “Who the hell would want to read this?”
27. If There’s One Thing In Your Life You Want To Change Right Now, What Is It?
I would be employed under the license I earned, as opposed to merely having “a job”.
28. What Are You Proud Of?
All my cats turn out great. That, and 83 posts (mostly decent work) since January 8th.
29. Sum Up Your Life In One Sentence
50 years to Life, no parole, in a minimum-security prison.
30. Name The Thing That Annoys You The Most
31. What Is Your No 1 Question To God?
Where’s Ghandi? Honestly, I do not expect the scenario of this question to take place. What I look forward to is walking through a door where I will encounter my departed Stepfather. He will be in his recliner with the newspaper. He will look over the top of the paper and say “You here again?” I’ll know I’m home.
32. Do You Have Secrets?
Millions. Besides having plenty of my own, others keep telling me theirs. I must have one of those kinds of faces. I also have a reputation for keeping them.
33. What Makes You Laugh?
Everything, man, everything. Not always at first, but eventually it’s all hilarious.
34. Are You Happy?
Yes…and No. Satisfied?