This will probably be the most chauvinistic post I’ve written, but I’m no saint and I have some ranting to do. Women are SO different from men when it comes to making choices, and right now it’s driving me around the bend a little. Men hunt. Women gather. When I need something at the grocery store, I go and hunt down the item, subdue it and drag it to the cashier. My wife goes UP and DOWN the aisles – ooo, look at this, it’s on SALE, hmm, maybe I should get some of this, our neighbor might be coming over etc. Two hours later my feet are sore and I have to pee. GODFREY DANIEL!
We each have one non-negotiable on buying a house here. Hers is a view with water. Mine is a price of no more than 400k, and I’m even a bit negotiable. By gum I found one, perfect in every way. Good view, solid construction, great price. I hunted it down and took the realtor to ground. But just to placate my wife I took 28 pictures of the areas not covered in web sites of the property, notated them, went to three other houses in the same area at similar price points and did comparisons with photos and notes. This documentation process took me 10 hours, mind you. It was in order to be able to make an offer by April 30th, so we could get in on the “gubmint cheese”, $6500.00 in tax incentive you DON’T HAVE TO PAY BACK.
Did she go for it? You know damn well she didn’t. She has to come up here and smell the insulation herself or some such, which will be on May 6th. She also wants to look at some other houses in another neighborhood that I didn’t look at. Yoooo, you GATHERERS. Can’t you just make a decision? Why must you compare everything to everything else in the entire available universe before making a choice?
You don’t have to defend her, ladies. I knew what I was getting into. I was married before. I just want pity for us poor unfortunate testosteroidians who must focus on a target and release the spears. We must wait (hungry) while you decide what herbs go with it, how it should be cooked and whether the wine we have is adequate or whether we must go hunt different wine.
I must say that I would be inclined to agree with you, except for one thing: I am, myself, surrounded by male/female relationships that are actually the exact OPPOSITE of yours. In grocery stores, it’s my mom who wants to get in and get out, and my father who wants to slowly wander the aisles and pick up things and comparison shop. My best friend’s husband was the one who had to have a say in every little detail of their wedding–including the bridesmaids’ shoes!!!–and my friend who just wanted to pick something and not revisit it. My boyfriend and I are the same way.. I want to pick an agenda and get there and back without dawdling, and he’s content to wander and let shiny objects catch his eye in shop windows.
So I guess I’m just saying that inductive reasoning–taking the truths of one specific relationship and broadening it to apply to an entire species–is not only logically faulty, but also the logic pattern that forms the basis of racism and sexism, which you pointed out yourself in your introduction. Generalizations don’t usually hold up to scrutiny. :/
Aw, I was just trying to be funny to burn off some frustration. I don’t really believe it, Jessica, but I’m glad to meet you.
I had a long day interviewing for a job where they put me through psychodrama for a shot at a dishonestly advertised position with zero benefits, and some a-hole stole one of my credit-card #s and is trying to charge stuff on it. I have to keep telling different merchants it wasn’t me. I need COMEDY!
I can be just as much of a gatherer in an electronics or music store, and we both gather in book stores.
Mikey, let’s go smoke a cigar and hash out what you’re really frustrated about. I know, I don’t smoke either. It was just a gesture toward a male-bonding cliche, because I feel the need to support you without stepping into the Bengal tiger trap of chauvinism. I know you must be crazy about your wife, even and particularly this part of her, as frustrating as these moments may be. For me, it’s not so much what she’s doing particularly, but the fact that the priority seems to be so different for my wife than for me. I see her “failing to stay on task”, even though I’m quite ready to agree that her particular quirks are useful, her instincts necessary for our collective survival. Here I see you focused — quite reasonably, to my lights — on the substantial amount of money that could be saved if she simply acknowledged your hard legwork and trusted your selection process. She, it seems, is valuing the money less than the sense of well-being she knows she will be giving up if she just gives you the green light without seeing for herself. I’ve only ever known one woman (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it) so I have a very small data sample on which to base this statement, but if yours is at all like mine, I think you’re pickled on this one, mate. I feel ya, but there it is.
You’re spot on. We’re just different. It’s better to write about it than to throw stuff. I adore her quirks, though they simultaneously drive me bats.
By the way, if you guys don’t take that house, I want it.
Pretty sweet, isn’t it?
Um, who is this and how did you find my blog? Your comment felt a little…personal. But I respect your opinion, etc.
I don’t remember how, Midge, I was probably searching for some topic, and it was personal. I’m out to save your soul. No charge. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but it’s my opinion that your talent is worth more than to use for selling corporate crap.
(Midge is a very creative writer whose blog I read, but who wants to sell herself to work for some huge advertising agency that shills for Coke and Nike etc. I told her I thought she deserved better.)
Boy it seems that we both have a case of “Ouch, do I smile or Do I cry?” and we need the laugh at the moment don’t we Mikey? I’ll post something that I’ve been jotting down recently especially for you tomorrow
You will like, I’m sure.
First: Hunters need to learn the Full Rules of the game and not just read the summary. The Full Rules are like the fine print on the insurance policy .. there are pages and pages and pages of ‘em, and they are hoping that *if* you are mad enough to settle down to a good read then by page four you have become zombiefied and will never discover all the additions, exceptions and get-outs that are invariably lodged deep in jargon on the last pages. Life works a bit like that too. Hunters need to learn that Gatherers can be taught to moderate their ways in many areas but that Hunters need to not push for a few areas where the Gatherer must make a stand. Houses and supermarkets are my my Gathering Strongholds … I’m a foodie, so inspection /comparison/ nutrition / education during the gathering processes is important, and the House…. oh woe betide Himself if he bought a house that I had not gathered first… Nooooo amount of photographs can tell a gatherer of the female persuasion if it’s “just a house” or if it feels like a home”. Embedding the nesting smell is like a seed being planted, it’s where you can imagine your furniture in place (or not) it’s light in the right places of the house at the right time of day, it’s the noises or silences that can’t be transmitted by digital means. Hunters can’t hunt these things down, they need to be Gathered.
Secondly: Clearly I’m a gatherer, we can be trained, My Hunter suffers Hunter weakness in hardware shops, but guess what?! I can drag stuff to the cashier in record time in there! We’ve learned to be specific about time needs, cash limitations and expectations, neither of us can approach a second-hand bookshop with too little cash or time, that’s a recipe for Double Gatherer frustration.
Thirdly: Sounds like your day was the pits, I sincerely wish the credit card thief a quick quadruple dose of appropriate Kama, and that the cheapskate employers get the credit card thief as their next employee, two rip-off merchants, they’d suit each other don’tcha think?
Chin up, for both you and me, tomorrow will be better
I feel better just reading this, because it made me smile. You’re always so pleasant and generous on your blog, Kiwi, but you can be really funny too!
Ow Thanks for the compliment Mikey, That’s made my day
I can at least deal with my predicament with painkillers and practical family support, and hopefully in a week I’ll be cast-free. Credit card theft is more of a headache on many levels, you don’t need the stress of being ripped off so blatantly like this.
The right employer IS out there, you just have to persist. It’s the kissing many frogs until the prince(ss) of employers comes along kind of theory, Bravo for sticking out the yukky ones. It WILL pay off eventually, Keep positive, Keep strong.
I hope the credit card thief *not only* gets a job with that rotten rip-off company but also gets a flat tyre on the way home tonight, AND that the spare has suffered a slow leak and is unusable too. (say “ah what a shame”) in your very best ironic voice at this point. Just imagine it happening… Does that make you feel better?
It’s called revenge by imagination, well at least that’s what I call it LOL. See, Kiwi is not always so pleasant and generous I’m afraid to say.
As for the Gatherer v’s Hunter thing, and to expand on Deborah’s comment: here’s one funny quote that springs to mind ” The trouble with the battle of the sexes, is that there is too much fraternization with the enemy”.
Between you and me, we wouldn’t have it any other way would we ?
… and if Mrs Invisable hasn’t gathered a house in two decades, then as a Hunter I have only one piece of advice for you: There is no Hunting in this one, it has Gathering written ALL over it, step back and let her let her gathering instincts loose, in fact, chill out with a good book, movie and and cold one, and let her Gather herself to blissful house-hunting success. Load up her stay with a zillion house viewings so that she can compare them all, if the one you have chosen and seems to be “it” really is IT then she will be comparing all the others to that one. If she’s not comparing them favourably then she is making the case for “your” house stronger by the house and if by some chance you find another gem in this process you can parry them off against each other. Win Win situation yes?
No photographic album no matter how big, can transmit the unmistakable feeling of ” THIS one is our new home, I just know it!, I just feel it !” This is go-with-the -flow time, your home will be your nest, refuge, calm, your oasis, the bubble away from the world where you want to build happiness, and having a Happy Gatherer in this big decision will short-cut you halfway there in this process. When the estrogen is happy then the testosterone will be even happier, believe me LOL it’s true!
Good advice on all cylinders. Thanks, Kiwi. I like the idea of revenge by imagination. Charles Dickens and the makers of American Westerns would agree. In their tales, the wicked get their comeuppance, though the villains appear to prevail at first. Hope you heal soon!
This made me laugh, Mikey. I like your turn of phrase. Thought you might like these:
Erica Jong: “Men and women, women and men. It will never work.”
Bill Cosby: “Men and women belong to different species, and communication between them is a science still in its infancy.”
x
I do feel a bit infantile trying to communicate effectively with women, Deborah. However, the process is fascinating, even in failed attempts.
Thank you for sharing those amusing quotes. I respect the wisdom of comedy.
This post was a nice comic relief. It’s nice to see you a little worked up!
Oh, and I know you’re pain. My family moved two years ago. I gave up looking at houses with them after only a couple days and maybe a dozen houses. Apparently, being too picky isn’t impossible!
In my dear wife’s case, it’s because she hasn’t picked one in two decades. She’s been saving up a lot of gathering impulse.
I was in touch with the “OY” inside the man.
Hey, it’s good to see you living out loud! You are more normal than you think.
I used to be a gatherer but now I am more of a hunter. To be honest I would give anything to have a partner
… My voice program submitted my comment before I was done. My apologies for ending in midsentence… I was trying to say…
… I would give anything to have a partner to share these frustrations and joys with. It sure sucks doing things on my own! Enjoy the journey!
The next time you choose to make a permanent romantic alliance, Tracy, it will be the luckiest day of some man’s life.
That’s how I feel about mine, and I know my well-married readers feel the same way. The fact that we can’t touch, can hardly talk on the phone because there’s so much to do to facilitate the moving, and mostly just have contact via short emails, has reinforced the correctness of our choice.
By the purity of your intent, you are transmitting to the universe like a personal radio frequency. Some guy with a crystal set is going to hear it.
Perhaps your voice program is impatient (like me) and was just anticipating the essence of your desire. As mid-sentences go, it was a pretty good spot to “send”.
I was indoctrinated into the languishing world of the gatherer at an early age, following my mom around as she shopped. I would watch as she would look through racks and racks of clothes that all basically looked the same to me, reaching the end, pausing for a moment of contemplation, and then moving back through the pickings.
It was around this time I discovered the video game kiosks most stores had set up at this time and took advantage of them greatly to pass the time. Sometimes my mother still asks how I became so involved with video games, but I’m afraid the truth would break her heart.
She would probably just ask all the other mothers for their experiences, and they would compare them over coffee, at least once they were done gathering each other’s opinions on brands of coffee, or tea, and which is healthier vs. tastier.
I’m not foaming at the mouth with feminist fury quite yet. I thought it was funny! Oh my gosh, that porch is to die for and the view! You and the other menfolk could definately pass the spittoon around while waiting for the little lady to serve supper on a porch like that.
Too awesome!
Oh and as always a great post!
Thank you, Lisa. That does sound fun (*pt-DING*)
“She who must be obeyed” wrote and also thought it was funny, so I am now sighing with relief knowing I will not be killed in my sleep by amazons.
Actually, I fully intend on killing you in your sleep, once I’m done burning my bra and not shaving my legs.
I said by amazons. One never knows about glamazons.
Oh, ew, Michael, what the hell is this?! Once again, we find that Lovely Abnormal Cat fits none of the girly stereotypes you mentioned. If I have to spend more than 5 minutes in a grocery store, I get pissed off. I make a list, know where the stuff is from previous grocery shopping, go get it, do self-checkout so as not to deal with pesky Kroger employees, and then GO, DAMMIT. Also, I don’t like having lots of options. I find it irritating. So perhaps your wife is a “gatherer,” in which case I shall not defend her, don’t worry.
However, I must defend myself, as I am neither hunter nor gatherer. I have evolved since prehistoric ages. Also, since the 50s. O:) Hehehe.
^
Kidding as you were, as I’ve noticed my dry sense of humour has a tendency to fail when being passed through the Interwebs.
You and I both know you are also still “work in progress” (and mighty interesting work at that). You are of your time, the ’90s to the future. That is a period still in progress too. I am admittedly a man of the ’50s, happy to have reached “now”. I’m preparing to slide for home. The piece was pitched to mid-field. You are close in at short-stop. I apologize if making a line-drive made you duck.
I get your humor, because I know you from your own site and our other exchanges. I know what you mean, though. Humor inevitably involves risk. The next piece is about the man who had the biggest formative influence on mine.
I don’t watch enough baseball to know what you’re talking about, but alright!
This is all I have to say on the matter:
“Beside every great man, stands an even greater woman”
You’re right, and I wish she were standing here now.
Mikey,
May 6th will be here before you know it, and your darling wife will be by your side. If by some remote chance this house IS or ISN’T the one for you both, then $6500 is a very small price to pay for a decision “made in haste but repented in leisure”. The headaches of getting out of contracts and worse, maybe being stuck in a contract for this one knowing that there is an even better gem around the corner, might leave you with a feeling in the pit of your stomach that you’d gladly pay $6500 to make go away. Even if it turns out to be THE house and you could have saved the money, the peace of mind of having done this together is worth double that.
Think not of what you may have “lost” but of what you have gained and everything will be put into perspective, You know, deep down, that your Wife loves you even more because you let the financial incentive go and put her feelings first. It’s a true expression of Love and Romance that’s worth far more than truckloads of flowers and kilos chocolates and perfume.
She knows that you did this especially for her and *if* times are financially tighter because of it then she will gladly eat beans with you to save back the money in other areas of life.
Best of all she will also be counting the days and minutes until she sees you again, Ok maybe some things might not be perfect timing for the “gubmint cheese” but there’s no price to be put on the perfect decision, made happily together.
Tell your wife that Kiwidutch says she owes you breakfast in bed after your first night together in whichever wonderful house you eventually buy. You are a Keeper Mikey, she knows that, and that you love her. The gubmint cheese can’t even start to compete.
As you suggested would happen, she’s already been supportive as a result of my action. It’s been difficult for me to NOT be bringing in stuff I killed for dinner, that’s all. The gubmint cheese was equal to ten weeks pay.
Things are moving ahead VERY rapidly on the house sale in L.A. so they may also move quickly on buying here. She still has contracts, severance and insurance things to settle before she can leave, but she might be living here by July.
Haha, I absolutely loved the snapshot of shopping with your wife. I’m the same, I wander up and down the aisles, even if I had no intention of buying anything down that aisle. You never know what sales are lurking about. Plus I’m a much-hated coupon cutter, so that just scarfs up even more time. I could spend hours in a grocery, but usually having to pee prevents me from doing this.
I can’t wait until you read how the house thing all worked out. My lips, er fingers are – sealed?